My Inner Bad Person (IBP) constantly asks for equal air time with the bleeding-heart liberal chemise that I wear for public display. Understand that the tenderhearted liberal is not all that great. He spends more time with charitable thoughts than charitable acts, but at least he is able to keep the IBP at bay most of the time – at least beyond the walls of our duplex and Cassandra’s ears.
In order to avoid the IBP festering too much and becoming a covert malignancy in my already shaky soul, I’m giving him some blog space to air out a few grievances. Hopefully he can then return to his chamomile tea and scones in the dark corners of my psyche.
IBP take it away.
Today I’d like take issue with some people who clearly deserve admiration, sympathy, or at minimum understanding, but for some reason drive me fucking nuts.
Malala Yousafzai: Sure, you advocated for the educational rights of girls in Pakistan and got shot in the face by the Taliban for your troubles. But do you have to act so self-satisfied about it Malala? The “aw shucks I’m just a humble school girl who likes doing origami and listening to Zayn Malik’s new CD” persona reminds me of a high school valediction from a kid going to Brown on scholarship trying to strike “a just one of the crowd” pose by citing that his most poignant educational moment happened in 7th grade woodshop when he built a raft alongside a hoodlum called Cobra, who he wishes well in his sentencing hearing. Malala, you won a Nobel Prize and had your own day at the United Nations. Get a little Miley Cyrus going, grab your crotch and shout “fuck you, you Taliban pussies” for all the world to hear. Then I’ll be a fan.
Stephen Hawking: Perhaps this stems from my general disdain of English intelligentsia and aristocracy (I never watched Downton Abbey or any Merchant-Ivory films after Howard’s End – and you can’t make me). Or my hatred of theoretical physicists who sit at the academic boondoggle table alongside economists, Freudian psychologists, and social anthropologists. But when you write a book called A Brief History of Time and then have a movie made about you called The Theory of Everything, you’re just asking for your wheelchair to be let go of at the top of Lombard Street. The air of “I can distill all of time into 200 pages because I’m just that smart” and condescendingly writing chapter titles for us dumb folk like “Black Holes Ain’t So Black” just calls for an “I knew Albert Einstein, and you are no Albert Einstein Sir” retort. Plus Cumberbatch deserved that Oscar. Only your superior name recognition over Turing won that one for Redmayne.The path to enlightenment is easier to traverse if you put down the fucking Cheetos! Click To Tweet
People sill wearing Boston Strong T-Shirts: I live in the Boston area, have attended several Boston Marathons, and on the day of the bombing was about to jump on a plane with my daughters from Florida to Boston not knowing if there might be some broader terrorist activity I needed to be worried about. It was a horrible day, and for those who lost family members or limbs or even witnessed the carnage, it is hard to imagine how they bounced back. But, of course, a statement of support led to a cottage industry and 3 years later, I still see these t-shirts everywhere. I imagine that you are just trying to be supportive and defiant, but Bostonians I’d like to introduce you to other parts of the world where 3 people killed and hundreds injured is a good Monday. We need to get over ourselves Boston.
Ellen DeGeneres: This one is part remember-when-you-were-funny-Jay-Leno after he started his Tonight Show gig and part hero worship that moving to daytime talk shows engenders (see Winfrey, Oprah and all current and former hosts of The View), but Ellen just lost her way after she kissed Laura Dern. A great moment followed by descent into the commonplace. Ellen also teases us with occasional moments of brilliance while hosting the Academy Awards, reminding us what a brilliant stand-up comedienne she once was. And now we’re looking at the pending onslaught of Finding Dory commercials and Happy Meal toys for the net 3 months of our lives. Thanks Ellen. No thanks.
The Buddha: The Buddha takes the irrational hatred mantle for the wise and omnipotent crowd because of his self-consciously pithy sayings that adorn faux distressed wood plaques on the walls of 40% of U.S homes. Also, he would probably look down on my obsessive attachment to my iPhone. Buddha really skated on this whole weight issue too. How about this Buddha “The path to enlightenment is easier to traverse if you put down the fucking Cheetos!”.
OK IBP, back to the cellar, I’ll give you a call up again when I’m at the mall on December 24th.