The Next Delusion

Seeing Reality and Looking the Other Way

My New Obsession

I’ve been trying to get myself back into some sort of minimally acceptable shape for a year now. If I’m being perfectly honest, it’s probably more like years. I can pinpoint one glorious moment in my post-childbirthing adulthood when my weight and fitness were where I would like them to be. Sadly, that moment occurred about 9 years ago.

In 2012, Momus and I got into halfway decent shape before slipping off the exercise and healthy food treadmill once again. Of course, even then his shape was a lot more decent than mine, being a man and a runner both. This fall, after months of complaining that I need to turn this ship around, I did some research and asked for a Fitbit for Christmas. Momus kindly obliged.

My new obsession

How many steps do you figure that is?

If you’re not familiar, the Fitbit is an amazing(ly evil) little device which tracks your movements. Clip it to your pocket and it will tell you how many steps you’ve taken today, how many stairs you’ve climbed and how many calories you’ve burned. Wear it in a little bracelet at night, and it will tell you exactly how much you have tossed and turned and how little sleep you got as a result. You can also log your food intake and exercise to further torture yourself with your own inadequacy.

Now I stand before you – because my new stalker/device frowns upon sitting – as a woman obsessed. Obsessed with my steps. Obsessed with my water intake. Obsessed with the number of stairs I have climbed. Obsessed with my sleep (or inability to sleep). Obsessed with every morsel I put in my mouth. Do you see a disturbing and potentially diagnosable pattern here?

An additional feature/torture tactic of the Fitbit enables you to link up with a friend and set challenges for each other. Of course, if you’re stupid enough to link up with your 11 year old son who has a perpetual motion machine where his heart belongs, I can’t help you. Because once you have linked up, your friend can see your progress (or lack thereof) and send you cheers, or, as I have learned the hard way, taunts.

Let’s just say I am currently receiving more taunts than encouragements from my son. My little Usain colt typically takes 3 times more steps than I do. And is capable of running up and down a staircase 30 times in a row just for the fun of it. Bastard.

So now I am obsessed. I will beat little Usain if it kills me. I am walking in circles around the kitchen just to see the steps add up. I am finding ridiculous reasons to climb the stairs just because they are stairs, and therefore apparently inherently good in the Fitbit universe. I have actually experimented to see whether shaking my leg while I sit at the computer will add steps to my daily log (it doesn’t, dammit). I may have to go Tonya Harding on Usain just to keep him down for a couple of days so I can finally freaking win just one day!

As you can see, I am completely losing my mind. The upside is that this new obsession may possibly have the side-benefit of helping me get back in shape.

On the other hand, the risk of filicide also has to be a considered. If that kid doesn’t stop sending me taunts, I can’t be held accountable for my actions. Or maybe there’ll be an unfortunate laundry incident with my son’s Fitbit: “Usain, you need to pay more attention to what you leave in your pockets!”

In either case, I have a feeling Usain’s going to be playing a lot of Trivial Pursuit: The 1980’s Version in the near future to help me recover the shreds of my tattered self-esteem

Make TND your new obsession. Head on over to the sidebar and subscribe to get the funny in your in-box twice a week.

, , , , , , ,

22 thoughts on “My New Obsession

  • kdcol says:

    Ah yes, the year was 2005, I remember it well, and I constantly reference it. Was all done having kids and I got in great shape. Ripped I tell you. I was showing off my abs and popping up my big biceps. My husband had to tell me to quit posing. Well gone is 2005 and gone is the ripped me. Sounds like we’re in the same boat, Cassandra. I’m working on getting back into really good shape. Probably won’t be up to 2005 standards, I’m a little older for cripes sake, but I’m working on it!

    • Cassandra says:

      Good for you! I’m going to get there this year. I’m determined. I figure this is my last chance to do it right before menopause sets in. I hear once that comes down the road it’s practically impossible to lose weight.

  • Joy Christi says:

    Hahahaha make him a big turkey dinner every week! Maybe he’ll go into a food coma??
    Make all his favorite foods and desserts. Milkshakes at every meal! hahaha
    Sounds like a way better game than my son & I ever played. I would never, ever EVER try to compete with a youngin, so I give you credit for trying.

    • Cassandra says:

      Trust me. If I had any idea what I was getting myself into I would have run the other way. I’m hoping that he’ll rapidly lose interest and I’ll be left to my own pathetic devices again.

  • Kristine says:

    I have/had a fitbit. I carried it faithfully up stairs just like that picture in Mexico City. I lost it there. I replaced it. I later found it on the bottom of our lake. I replaced that one and it sits, unable to hold a charge, on my desk. I strapped it to the dog once. That helped.

  • Linda Roy says:

    Hmmm…this Fitbit thing sounds intriguing. I might have to try it. I’d probably be just as obsessed. Go girl! I’m cheering you on from the couch. I know…I know… 😉

    • Cassandra says:

      Why thank you. It would probably better if I could get anywhere near the 10,000 recommended steps per day (my max so far is around 6,000). But I climbed 17 flights of stairs yesterday!

  • ManicMom says:

    I got one too!

    Thing is, I thought I’d totally rock it. I mean, I do run. Kind of.

    Most days, though, I’m shocked at how sedentary I’ve been. Too bad, too, because I’m great at taunting people. But when you’re as lame as I am, it looks a little pathetic.

    At first I dog thing would be a good idea, but she sleeps 23 hours a day, so maybe not.

    • Cassandra says:

      I’m actually about to get on the treadmill, at least partially to not be embarrassed when my son comes home with 12,000 steps and I have more like 120. So it’s getting me moving at least.

  • Liz says:

    I was thinking about getting one of these. I may jump on the bandwagon just to burn the calories! Good luck and definitely lord your knowledge of 80s trivia over your soon, the little whippersnapper.

  • Aussa Lorens says:

    Ahhhh! Once you give yourself to the fitbit, it never lets go.

  • Gary Sidley says:

    This exercise & dieting malarkey can quickly become a bit of an obsession. And can’t you get Usain hooked on an X-Box or something similar – it’s probably a better option than homicide!

    • Cassandra says:

      Sadly, the only thing he enjoys more than his Playstation is running around. (Yes, I know that’s generally a good thing). I’m thinking his Fitbit may get “lost” pretty soon if he doesn’t stop taunting me.

  • Michelle says:

    Ohhhh…I want one of those…

    • Cassandra says:

      I know! Sadly, I just got my weekly report and I moved about as much as a three-toed sloth last week. Need to work on that.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

%d bloggers like this: