The Next Delusion

Seeing Reality and Looking the Other Way

Throwdown Thursday: Faking It

According to the Huffington Post, a man in the UK was recently arrested for faking a coma for two years. (Here I’ll insert a pre-emptive apology to those of you who were hoping we’d take up the topic of an entirely different sort of “faking it”). Apparently, he was about to go on trial for swindling an elderly neighbor out of more than $60,000. Sadly, before his trial date, he “fell and broke his neck,” resulting in a “vegetative state”. Only, it has recently been discovered that this vegetative state included driving, shopping, and family vacations. I am horrified by this story, but Momus is Coma Guy’s biggest fan.

Throwdown Thursday: Faking It

Faking It

Momus: OK, the scam part is not admirable….well not ethical at least…kind of impressive in the depth of  commitment really. But faking a coma to get out of two years of life’s responsibilities? This man could be an inspiration to an entire generation. Imagine calling in sick one day to that job you despise, and then deciding “Hey, why don’t I turn this into two years?” Kind of uber Timothy Leary: “Fall Down, Look Lame, Veg Out.”

Cassandra: How bereft of human decency does one have to be to fake a coma?! At least his wife was apparently in on it. I hope she used it to get him to do ALL the housework. You know you would be scrubbing the bathrooms on a weekly basis if I had to cover for your malingering ass.

Momus: Fair enough. There would certainly be some tit-for-tat if an accomplice was needed, but this is not just malingering. It is Hall of Fame malingering. Decency is not really the salient dimension here. How many artists fail the human decency test? Many, if not most, of them. But you can still admire their craft – the output of their creativity. This guy is the Picasso of dirtbags.

Cassandra: I admire nothing. The guy laid flat on his back for two years and faked brain death. Apparently, you have decided that is your highest calling. I remain appalled.

And on another dimension, how bored must this guy have been? After about day 4 I’d be calling uncle.

Momus:  Just think of the stamina needed to cope with that kind of boredom. Although it sounds like when all concerned eyes were off of him, he was doing the fandango around his local supermarket. Some chinks in his long con. The boredom is what would be my undoing. Whenever I have to sit on the couch and pretend I’m listening to my father’s stories about his childhood barber, I feel like body parts are going to start flying off.

Cassandra: So basically, what you’re actually looking for is a Get Out of Responsibility Free card accompanied by an unlimited day pass to fun. Maybe throw in a Disney E ticket for good measure?

Momus: Well OK, now we understand one another.  A vacation of a complete liberation from responsibilities?  Perish the thought!

Cassandra: I guess that doesn’t surprise me. Still, I give Coma Guy a big fat Fail.

Momus: Two thumbs up from me!


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17 thoughts on “Throwdown Thursday: Faking It

  • kdcol says:

    Get Out of Responsibility Free card,yes. LOVE the idea of that. Just have to figure out how to obtain this free pass ethically though.

    • Momus says:

      Yes, there really should be some kind of ticket reseller for these. I’d pay premium money for such divine intervention.

  • kdcol says:

    I just realized what I’d really like is a Get Out of Loading/Unloading Dishwasher Free card. It’s amazing, four people live in my house and I appear to be the only one with “dishwashing” skills. Oh and there’s my awesome “laundry” skills!

  • qwertygirl says:

    And this is why I will never be a criminal mastermind. It would never occur to me to “fake” a coma. A sprained ankle, maybe, but a coma, no.

    • Cassandra says:

      I think the boredom would be crushing. I can say that I have definitely pondered faking my own death as a get out of jail free card (years ago). But just as a fantasy escape. Not as something I would ever seriously consider.

  • ManicMom says:

    I’m such a terrible liar, I’d never be able to do it. Even if by doing it I was only supposed to be still and act unconscious (which I don’t think I could do for two minutes, much less two years). Once I had to cancel an appointment with a massage therapist last minute, and when she asked, I lied and said I had a friend coming in from out of town. The next appointment she asked how my visit with my friend was, and I was sure she could feel the lie coming out of the muscles in my back while I lay there, unmoving.

    I guess the point is: I’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Even if I were in an actual coma, I’m sure I’d have a liar’s aura or something.

    • Cassandra says:

      Ha! That’s funny. I can imagine the stress of having to make up a story while someone’s massaging you. Of course that would require that I allow someone to massage me. Never happening, so I’m safe.

  • Gary Sidley says:

    Faking a coma for 2 years – that neatly describes a couple of my old university lecturers!

  • This whole thing reminds me of “I Love You, Philip Morris” when Jim Carrey’s character pretended to be dying of AIDS to escape prison. Based on a true story. How. HOW!?!

  • Line of the year: Whenever I have to sit on the couch and pretend I’m listening to my father’s stories about his childhood barber, I feel like body parts are going to start flying off.

    • Momus says:

      Glad you liked the line, but please mourn for my sanity when my father annotates every story he tells with allusions to 50 people I have never and will never know. Takes me days to recover.

  • trillie says:

    Haha the Picasso of dirtbags – that’s hilarious!

  • I’m team Cassandra on this one. I can’t stand laziness!

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