The Next Delusion

Seeing Reality and Looking the Other Way

Thursday Throwdown: The Which Halloween Trial

Halloween descends tomorrow and Cassandra and I will be dusting off our costumes, putting on our masks, and adopting our most enchanting characters. That actually has nothing to do with Halloween, just our typical “let’s spice things up” Friday. Around the romantic prep, we’re going to air our differing views on Halloween itself. Cassandra thinks Halloween is a trick, and I am firmly in the treat department.

Cassandra: I am a long-time Halloween hater. From the horrible department store costumes my mom made me wear when I was little, to the awful high school attempts at “sexy bunnies” and black cats, to the yearly slog of dragging the kids through our neighborhood of 8 million screaming sugar-stoned children to get their allotted treats.  I hate it all.

Momus: Wait a minute – are there “sexy bunny” costumes in your past that you failed to share pictures of? Halloween is one of the best holidays of the year because it doesn’t entail any gift giving or major prep work at all. The pressure is mostly on the kids to say what they want to be, and yes as parents we need to scramble to make it happen, but there is focus at least. Also, it generally does not necessitate any outreach to extended family like Thanksgiving or Easter do, or even those family cookout horror shows of Memorial or Labor Day. Just costumes and candy baby, keeping it simple.

Cassandra: Trust me, sexy bunny wasn’t very sexy.  Also, one year I dressed as a flapper, only my French teacher thought I was dressed as a prostitute and sent me to the office. I can still feel the humiliation burning in my cheeks. Fortunately, as an adult I can just say “No thanks” to dressing in costume. And to Halloween. Now if only I can get my ex to do the Halloween walkabout with our son, I can hide happily in my house until the horrid night is over.

Momus:  OK, so you have a little Halloween PTSD. But didn’t you at least like getting candy when you were a kid or stealing candy from your children’s baskets as an adult?  How can the whole suite of Hershey’s products not be a plus? And bingeing on treats is guilt free, like drinking on New Year’s or homicidal ideation at a Bjork concert.

Cassandra: I used to like the whole candy thing. Then there was the year that I was pregnant with my daughter. I had awful morning sickness (don’t worry, not going there) and hadn’t gained any weight at all in the first five months. Then came Halloween. Pregnant ladies get to go for regular medical torture sessions at which they are poked, prodded, and weighed (sadistic bastards). Well, the week after Halloween my weight suddenly went from flat, flat, flat to plus 10 pounds. Apparently, the morning sickness didn’t keep me away from the four leftover bags of Halloween candy. I got sent to the nutritionist and got lectured about my sudden weight gain and how candy is not good food for my growing baby. No thanks on the candy.

Momus:  Boy the universe has conspired to really fuck with your Halloween mojo, hasn’t it? Let’s move away from your damaged inner gremlin, and go to the next generation for a moment. Haven’t you liked seeing your children in funny costumes, excited by the hunt for full sized candy bars, and nearly seizing from awe when admiring their pile of bounty at the end of the night?

Cassandra: Ok, I’ll give you that one. As you know, I’ll do just about anything for the joy in their eyes. And I’ve got to give my ex credit for being a costume maker extraordinaire.  My kids will not suffer any of the deep costume traumas that I carry with me.

But I still don’t want to do the Bataan Death March Friday night.

Momus: Maybe it will be a perfect crisp, clear New England autumn night and the revelers will lift the grey clouds from your soul.  Or not.

Looking forward to Thanksgiving?

Cassandra: With every fiber of my being.

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14 thoughts on “Thursday Throwdown: The Which Halloween Trial

  • qwertygirl says:

    Do I even need to say which side of this debate I am on? I don’t, do I.

    The year I was seven my mom dressed me in a kilt and cape that she’d bought the previous summer when we were on vacation in Bermuda, and said, “There. You’re Mary, Queen of Scots.” I think that sums it up, don’t you?

    • Cassandra says:

      I’m starting to think we had the same mother as well! Mine used to make me wear the previous year’s ballet costume.

      I actually did a Biography report in 4th Grade on Mary Queen of Scotts. Still have the picture around somewhere.

      You do know how she met her fate, of course. (Like I said, same mother).

      • qwertygirl says:

        We did have the same mother–we were separated at birth (my mom was not a “little kid” person either). One of these days we’re going to meet in person and start with birth and walk through every coincidence and similarity. And it will be eerie.

        I don’t remember a biography report in 4th grade (which would have been HA) but I do remember a project on ancient Sumer done with a board, a bunch of clay, and Elmer’s school glue (dried clear, looked like water–the project was an irrigation canal).

  • Momus lost me at “Halloween doesn’t require any prep.” Clearly, he is an insane person.
    Sarah (est. 1975) recently posted…abandoning pretense: three pints of glitter and some electrical tapeMy Profile

    • Momus says:

      The insane person assessment is dead on, but for so many other reasons.

      But mandatory Halloween prep – costumes, candy purchase, maybe carve a pumpkin or two – compared with say that soul sucking holiday called Christmas? Not even close. Now if someone chooses to go down the decorate the house to turn it into a haunted mansion, well that’s on them.

  • Phil says:

    It’s so much better to be an adult and dress up for Halloween. We can pick out our own costumes or decide to just ignore the whole day.

    As for me I like Halloween. I went as a pimp last year. Pimpin ain’t easy!

    Plus, the adult women’s costumes are so slutty nowadays. It’s a guy’s fav holiday!
    Phil recently posted…Sweet sugar bombs of perfection! Doughnut Plant NYC!My Profile

  • Kim says:

    I’m beginning to loathe Halloween. Every year I see people dressed up in the coolest costumes and here I am with zero costume creativity. Plus I live in an apartment and there are no trick or treaters so I can’t even have fun with that. Yup. Halloween sucks.

    • Cassandra says:

      Last night turned out great. It was almost as if there were no Halloween. Sat on my couch and watched Netflix. No costumes, no candy, no trick or treaters. Heaven!

  • Eric says:

    I turned off all the lights, locked the front door and stared into the computer monitor all night, largely undisturbed. The doorbell never rang. I also found some domestic violence episodes of COPS and turned the TV up real loud. That may have helped.
    Eric recently posted…Parkas in HellMy Profile

  • Liz says:

    I’m with Momus on this one. It’s one of the only low pressure holidays that doesn’t involve extended family plus chocolate. Love it! Also love scary movies and the weather.
    Liz recently posted…Zoe vs. Grandma (as if the outcome was ever in doubt)My Profile

    • Momus says:

      Yes, having it be autumn definitely is a plus also. Mostly the absence of extended family and low expecatations for thoughtfulness. There is a lot of pressure for Christmas, Valentine’s Day and all birthdays and I don’t have the shopping chops to pull those off consistently well.

  • […] of all, I skipped the headline “Middle School Dance” entirely in order to avoid my deep-seated costume trauma and the possibility that I would have no one to talk […]

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