The Next Delusion

Seeing Reality and Looking the Other Way

What’s Scarier than a Sexy Ebola Nurse Costume? Crossover Day!

Every Monday morning I step on the scale, close my eyes tight, and say “Please God, don’t let it be Crossover Day.”

Momus and I have been working more or less diligently over the past year to get in better shape. And when I say more or less diligently, I mean that we were doing really well there for a while, but for the past 3 weeks, we’ve ingested way more calories in wine and cheese straws than we’ve expended moving our butts off the couch. But we fully intend to get back on the beam again. Any day now.

Unfortunately, for a variety of reasons (which I will detail momentarily), Momus has the capacity to drop 5 pounds by batting his eyelashes energetically. I, however, have reached that age where women gain weight just by watching too much Master Chef Junior.

Please, don't let it be Crossover Day!

Please, don’t let it be Crossover Day!

Thus, the specter of Crossover Day. Crossover Day is that horrific imaginary (please let it be imaginary!) day when our weights cross. I am sad to say that it is theoretically possible that Crossover Day might happen sometime in the next few months. Our current weights are less than 5 pounds apart and moving inexorably toward each other.

To be clear, I am not actually gaining weight. But at peak exercise and starvation levels, my ability to lose weight maxes out around 8 ounces per week. Meanwhile, Momus’ max is more like 8 pounds per week. So my line stays flat, while his just keeps on moving down. That’s like Sacco and Vanzetti level injustice.

But here’s the thing: the game is rigged. Momus is a former athlete. A bona fide high school track star. Still has the leg muscles to prove it. Those muscles consume calories even when he is sitting on the couch stuffing his face full of Popcorners. Damn him.

And he’s a good half inch shorter than I am (Momus required an official measurement when I initially wrote that it was a  full inch). He likes to pretend we’re the same height, and usually I humor him. But we’re talking about Crossover Day here. The cards are all coming out. For the record, and I’m saying this of my own free will, not because he’s holding my grandmother’s quilt hostage: I am a fairly tall woman, he is not an unusually short man.

Finally, because Momus is a runner, when he exercises he runs. Fast. I, on the other hand, am all but incapable of moving faster than a brisk walk (see our Throwdown on the topic). Which means that when he goes down to work out on the treadmill, he expends about 42,000 calories in 45 minutes. When I “work out” on the treadmill it’s more like 12. If I’m lucky.

As you can see, the deck is heavily stacked against me. Unless I can manage to kneecap him (I have Tonya Harding’s crew on speed dial) or replace his diet lemonade with Mountain Dew, Crossover Day is on its way.

Momus, because he has intermittent bouts of idiocy, is very excited about the potential for crossover. He has even joked about a celebration of the day or a competition in which he wins some glorious prize once he bests my weight. He clearly does not realize the full psychological impact such an event (should it happen – please don’t let it happen) will have upon my fragile self-image and general womanhood. It really will not be a good day for him. Or me. Or anyone in the state of Massachusetts that happens to be driving that day.

In the meantime, I’m crossing my fingers, getting on that treadmill, secretly adding Crisco to all his food, and, just in case, sharpening the long knives.

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34 thoughts on “What’s Scarier than a Sexy Ebola Nurse Costume? Crossover Day!

  • I feel your pain, Cassandra. Why is it that men can effortlessy drop pounds whenever they want and women struggle with starvation and exercise exhaustion to just see a glimmer of that needle on the scale moving down. l’m pretty sure it is some kind of sick joke on us for eating that original apple. The man in this house just cuts his bread intake from eight slices to four and walk around inside the mall and he gets results. I’m telling you it is a sick, cruel joke.
    I came over from Susie’s place.

  • Barb Taub says:

    Susie sent me and I’m so glad I came! This post is hilarious. I’d say that I feel your pain except… Since about kid #3, we’ve been Mr. & Mrs. Jack Spratt. But we have a deal. I don’t mention how much he doesn’t need that sexy little car he drives, and he doesn’t mention how much junk is in my trunk.
    Barb Taub recently posted…Page 69 challenge: Excerpts from three books!My Profile

  • Wait, you have wine and cheese straws, it’s a party! Yay!

    • Cassandra says:

      Actually, I ran out of cheese straws. And since I live in the Northeast you can’t find them around here. I’ve ordered some more, however. Should be here any day now.

  • Phil says:

    You know what needs to happen here? Someone needs to die. You need to kill him.

    Then sit on a couch in front of the tv watching Master Chef with a gallon of ice cream and nor regrets.
    Phil recently posted…Fall Season, Pumpkin Spice, and Sheeple in a NYC world!My Profile

  • John Howell says:

    I am a male at the age where rain makes me gain weight. Can totally sympathize.
    John Howell recently posted…Wednesday Story DayMy Profile

  • Susie Lindau says:

    That is brutal! I had a bet in college with a guy who had wrestled, that I could drop 5 pounds by the time we met up again. Two weeks later, I had lost 3 pounds and he had dropped 8! So not fair.
    I couldn’t handle it. I don’t weight myself that often. I gain weight every time I diet!

    Thanks for dropping off a post! Have fun mingling with the guests! Tell them, “Susie sent me,” and they should click back!
    Susie Lindau recently posted…Happy Haunted Blog PartyMy Profile

  • Margot says:

    Given all of the (totally unfair) circumstances you’ve listed, it’s looking like Crossover Day is not very far off. Instead of violence–and of course no one wants to see anything bad happen to Momus–it seems like you all should work on helping Cassandra maintain her fragile image of her attractiveness. Apparently Momus does not understand the amount of potential psychological damage that could occur if Crossover were to happen. Since I imagine you are reading this, Momus, you should probably realize that when women no longer feel very attractive, they tend to feel much less sexy as well. And when women don’t feel very sexy, they tend to not want to have sex as much. I’m thinking maybe both of you would be happier if you slowed down your weight loss rate to match Cassandra’s. Just a thought! 😉

    • Momus says:

      Cassandra’s sexiness to me has nothing to do with her exact weight – I am actually someone who does not crave Barbie doll women. And, incredibly, I think Cassandra actually knows and believes this. However, your point is well taken – even with these reassurances it does not mean that if Crossover Day happened there would not be some insecurities stirred.

      We’re in a dilemma because we are trying to push each other because we both want to feel as healthy as possible as we crawl further into our middle age years. And I have some tangential goals such as trying to potential do more competitive road races. And I am kind of wired to go full throttle or not at all.

      • Cassandra says:

        In Momus’ defense, he really is quite wonderful about making me feel attractive and desired. I have actually no complaints about his attitudes or behavior in this. I just wish he didn’t lose weight so darn easily when he sets his mind to it!

        • Margot says:

          Oops…I mostly meant what I wrote above as a joke! I was trying to say in a more tasteful way that Cassandra could use withholding sex as a weapon instead of killing Momus, as was suggested above (jokingly) by Phil. Rereading what I wrote I can see how completely serious it sounds.

          Anyway, I’m glad all is good and commend you both for working on fitness and health. I need to do the same–I hit Crossover Day years ago and my husband is 9 inches taller than me. It’s pretty embarrassing! 🙂

  • I am SO close to having a crossover day myself. It is unfair.
    Sarah (est. 1975) recently posted…the european mama: dealing with a hangry personMy Profile

  • Daya says:

    Swept in from Susie’s wild party!

    Sadly, I reached crossover day a long time ago. 🙁 | I outweigh my roomie by thirty or so pounds and I HATE IT! But I have my mother’s genes. 😛
    Daya recently posted…The Sum of All FearsMy Profile

    • Cassandra says:

      Oh, I am so sorry. It’s a tough one. Sadly, my mom is a stick, so I can’t blame her. My own sedentary lifestyle and love of wine and chocolate are to blame.

  • Liz says:

    I know of what you speak except that my husband’s a foot taller. If he was my height crossover day would’ve happened long ago. From far away we look like the Trylon and the Perisphere.
    Liz recently posted…Zoe vs. Earth, Wind, and FireMy Profile

  • Joy Christi says:

    Oh my, I AM THERE! Well, I don’t know what my husband or I weigh, and we like it that way, but we were making some comments at each other (that may or may not but definitely did contain the word ‘Fatty’) and somehow he made a comment about our pants being the same size. I don’t know how man/woman pants go, BUT he made me try on his pants and THEY FIT! And even worse, he tried my pants on (pretty stretchy after having THREE kids) and THEY FIT HIM. I never thought that would happen. Really. I’m not thin, but he has a hefty beer belly and I never thought we have a Crossover Pants Day. It kind of blew my mind a little. I laughed it off, I do drink a lot more than he does, but I’ve been semi-inspired to hit the treadmill in the morning since then! Not for very long, but still.
    Joy Christi recently posted…Not Feelin the ‘Ween: 10 Long YearsMy Profile

    • Cassandra says:

      Oh no! What an awful moment! I have to say that I am relieved to hear so many of you experiencing the same thing. This will make me feel less of a freak when the inevitable day finally comes.

  • Aussa Lorens says:

    Any day now. Me too!
    Aussa Lorens recently posted…Reading About Anxiety is Giving Me AnxietyMy Profile

  • You’re secretly adding Crisco to his food … frigging HILARIOUS! Great piece. I love how you tackle a real life topic with such humor. I’m on the same journey, but I’m going it alone. How cool that you and your husband are in it together! I don’t know how you feel about the elliptical machine, but I’ve been using it to replace running, because I’m too heavy to run right now. It burns 600 calories an hour on the fat burn setting of hills. I feel like I get so much more of a bang for my buck than I do spending an hour on the treadmill. The fitness experts all say you have to change it up, so your body doesn’t get used to one form of exercise. Maybe that will put you back in the lead! Best of luck on your healthy journey!

    • Cassandra says:

      Thanks Parri. Excellent suggestion. Sadly anything that involves leaving the house (i.e. going to a gym) ain’t gonna happen. But maybe I can put an elliptical on the Christmas list. I’ll go check them out.

  • Linda Roy says:

    It’s so unfair. The same thing happens with us. We started the South Beach Diet on the same day and he lost more faster. The scale and I are enemies. It’s heavy on the Jedi mind tricks with me.
    Linda Roy recently posted…Hey Rich Lady, Don’t Be a Halloween GrinchMy Profile

  • Bec J. H. says:

    What a great and funny way of writing about that awful topic of weight loss! I hope you manage to avoid Crossover Day for some time yet 🙂
    Susie sent me here.
    Bec J. H. recently posted…Inspiration #009 – Halloween SpecialMy Profile

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